Saturday, April 29, 2017

Diagnosis: My Give A Damn Is Broken

Well, two months and $3K later, I now know that I don't have lupus, Lyme, RA, or a host of other diseases. My thyroid is failing, but it hasn't failed yet, so they won't start treating it until it actually craps out.

At first I was a little upset. I saw a bunch of different doctors, I spent a ton of money (I have crappy insurance), and it turns out that it's all the damn IBD that we can't seem to get under control.  I've been battling Crohn's for over a decade, and I'm tired of this fight. As silly as it sounds, I wanted something new to attack.  But, no: it's the same shit, different day.

I am glad that I don't have any of the other diseases they tested me for, don't get me wrong. And now that I've had time to contemplate it, I think I'm just going to stop giving a damn about it. I know I've said it before, but I really have to accept that this is my normal and this is as good as it gets.

That's a tough concept for a Dressage Queen, we really aren't wired that way. The fundamental tenant of our sport is that you never stop working on getting better, moving up the levels, fixing everything, making everything perfect all the time....

So, what does a Dressage Queen do in this situation?

For starters, I asked my trainer if I could go to his barn and take lessons on his trained horses. I'm still  going to ride my own horses, but they're really still kind of green because I train them myself and I've felt like total shit for years, and I feel like I'm not getting a lot out of that. I want a challenge. I want to see if I can still ride a horse I didn't train myself. I want to make sure I haven't completely lost my mojo as far as dressage riding and training goes.

I also think I'm going to learn how to jump. Call it my "mid-life crisis", but it's something I never learned to do and I feel like it's a hole in my education. I've got a friend who teaches jumping, and she'll be totally cool with me having a large glass of wine before my lesson (because I'll need it!). Also, if I can get decent at jumping, I'll totally clean up on the dressage portion of eventing! So, while I may never be an FEI level dressage rider, but I can totally be a mediocre eventer who is great at the dressage part. And, seriously, it's way more badass to be mediocre at three sports than it is to be super good at one.

Lastly, I think I'm just going to stop giving a damn. I've spent too much time and energy trying to fix something that probably can't be fixed. It's time to go balls to the wall and live the life I've got.


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