Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Coming Back

It's been a month since Spider died, and I still haven't ridden. I did drive a pony the other day, and that was fun... but it's not riding.

I kept trying to use my seat to stop and turn. It didn't work, which is why my passengers look terrified.

I think about riding, a lot, but then I can't find the motivation to actually pick up the tack. It's still too raw. 

I know myself, and I know Jack. He's young and he's green and he will make mistakes. There's nothing wrong with that, but in my current raw emotional state I will blame him and I will get angry that he's not Spider and that is wrong. I can't do that to him. So, I'm not riding yet. 

I've had so many falls, including breaking my back, and never hesitated to get back on and ride again. I always bounce back, nothing keeps me down. But somehow riding again after losing Spider is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. 

I suppose it will resolve itself. The kids are back in school, and I'll have less things competing for my attention. Eventually I'll have nothing better to do, so I'll go grab Jack and we'll go for a ride. And I'm going to have to ride Beau and Spots now that the kids are in school, to keep them tuned up. It's inevitable, really. Riding isn't a choice for me, it's life. 

And maybe that's why I still haven't gotten over Spider....


  1. You just take your time. You'll know when you're ready. And if you get on and it's overwhelming, you can hop right back down and no one will judge. You're allowed to take a long time to get over losing Spider. He's your heart horse.

  2. You really can't rush these things. I lost Cuna in stages, rather than all at once. When he initially retired, it took me a really long time to want to ride again. It's taken longer than that to connect with a horse again, and only now that I've actually had Courage longer than any other horse, do I feel like I've really moved on.

    Take your time. There's no prize for fastest once they leave the track.

  3. The horses will be there when you are ready for them

  4. Take your time, I rushed back into the saddle right after putting my heart horse down and it was a mistake. Ended up taking a year off after some really ugly rides. Sending big hugs <3

  5. When I lost my horse I lost my refuge- the barn where I would go to relax and recharge became a place of real pain. But I just kept going there and puttering and very slowly the comfort came back. I'm not telling you to ride because I agree that you're probably not in a good place right now. I'm just echoing everyone that you not only have to give yourself the time you need to be okay with giving yourself the time. Horses are your life and you will find the joy in them again. It will be tempered by the loss of Spider and that will not leave you but it will become part of who you are as a person and a horse person. The pain is terrible and it's also beautiful because it's part of the love you had for another being.

    We're here if you want to write about it. Or about something else. I'm glad for the update because I have been wondering how you were doing.

  6. Losing a special horse is very hard, and it takes a long time to get your equilibrium back - but you never forget. And I think that, while losing a horse for any reason is hard, losing one that was in good health suddenly can be even harder - one moment they're here and the next they're gone. I lost a wonderful mare in 2001 - her name was Promise - who fractured her leg running in turnout. My heart is with you.

  7. I hate to break it to you, but you'll never get over losing Spider. I lost my horse 11 years ago and I'm still not over it. I still sometimes play the what if game in my mind. I don't think I'll ever be "over it." But it does get easier. It will get easier. Don't rush it and don't stress yourself about needing to get over it quickly. Just take it day by day and when you get back to riding, you'll get back to riding. One day it'll be what you want to do...

  8. Glad to hear from you, like everyone said, take your time getting back to riding. I'm sure your kids can find time to ride. There's really not much point in riding when your heads not in the game.

  9. Ugh - so unbelievably hard. My thoughts are with you.

  10. Take your time. Healing is a long process. The kids' horses will motivate you to start because you "have" to ride them. I have a feeling they will become your healers. Sending love and sympathy.

  11. I can't imagine it. Treat yourself well and I hope you can get lots of rest. Grief is exhausting. I'm glad you checked in.


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