Thursday, September 3, 2009


I haven't gotten much riding done lately. Clarification: I haven't gotten any riding done lately. By the time I'm done with work I'm exhausted, but I still have to go home, cook dinner, play with my daughter a bit, then go to bed because I'm too pooped to do anything else. And the weather's been beautiful, of course.......just to mock me. Needless to say, I am miserable.

On these beautiful days when I'm cooped up in my office, or in my house, I find my mind wandering. It's always the same thought. "What am I doing?"

Years ago, I knew exactly what I was doing. I was riding horses. My work and my passion were the same. I was going to be a professional trainer and live my life doing the one thing I loved more than anything. Then I was injured, so I turned to other pursuits. I went back to school for my Master's degree and got a job at the University.

When my daughter was born, I once again had to re-evaluate my life. I had the choice of either staying home with her, or returning to work. I thought long and hard about the mother I wanted to be, the person I wanted to be and what would be best for my daughter. I decided that I wanted to go back to work. Although, I must admit that the decision may have been made in a bit of a panic. I was a first time mother with a colicky newborn, work was actually a welcome break! But, I also wanted something to show for all the hard work I had put into my degrees. Plus, I thought it would be nice to have extra money to spend on my horse.

I have extra money to spend on my horse, but no time to spend on him. I spend eight hours at work, then an hour commute home, chores, dinner, squeeze in a ride if there's time, bed, rinse and repeat. I ride less now than I did when I was dead broke, trying to train myself and begging not to be thrown out of the barn I was at because "I swear I'll have the rest of the money next week!"

So here I sit, in my office, on a beautiful day when the only thing I want in the world is to be riding my horse or playing with my daughter. And I'm thinking again about the kind of mother I want to be, the kind of person I want to be, and what is best for my daughter.

What am I doing?

1 comment:

  1. My sympathy. Now that I have retired, I can enjoy the time home. But how well I remember being stuck at school in a virtually windowless classroom, knowing it was a beautiful day out. Even if there were still lots of daylight left when I got home, I would usually be too tired to really devote much to my riding. I know exactly how you feel and I don't have a daughter to add to the mix.

    Wish I could help, but all I can do is offer emotional support.

    Sometimes setting aside a "me" day once in a while can be a good idea. On that day, somehow you make arrangements for everything else to just be pushed aside and you just focus on things that make you happy. It's kind of a selfish day you actually deserve.


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